The recent news of a riotous teen party in Mill Valley has many parents wondering what they’re doing right, and what they can do differently in parenting their preteens and teenagers.
No matter where your teen is falling on the spectrum of well-being– whether they’re fully participating in life or shrinking away from it, whether they’re having great academic success or monumental struggles–the most important parenting strategy you can learn is how to communicate in a way that builds deep connections with your child.
Through deep connections our kids become self-reliant, confident, courageous members of society. Deep connections create a family environment that fosters mutual trust and respect, providing our kids with emotional safety and resilience.
Here are three communication tools you can begin using right now:
Look beyond and behind behavior to reframe it as information about your teen.
All people are just trying to get their needs met. Always. So get curious instead of furious about your child’s behavior. This new mindset can soften how you respond to your teen, resulting in a much more peaceful relationship between parent and child.
Does your teen drop his backpack in the hallway and go right onto YouTube after school? Maybe his brain needs a rest from a long day of learning and managing complex social interactions.
Do more listening than talking.
As parents we often believe it’s our job to impart information and wisdom. The truth is asking questions and practicing active listening will make a much bigger impact in your parenting. By doing more listening than talking, we can better know and understand our kids. And you will meet your children’s deep and profound need to be seen, heard, and understood.
Regulate our own emotions.
Regulating our own emotions is what enables us to better practice the first two communication strategies–reframing our kids’ behaviors and doing an awful lot of listening. If we practice regulating ourselves when big emotions are bubbling up inside of us, we are so much better able to show up as the moms and dads we want to be.
Remarkably, when our kids are having big emotions, and we regulate our own, kids naturally uncover their own ability to self-regulate.
You can absolutely begin to build, at this very moment, a stronger, deeper connection with your child by using these communication tools. No matter where you are in your parenting journey, it’s not too early or too late to start becoming the parent you want to be.
For more information on this topic, click here.
Chris Irvine offers private coaching to parents so their families can thrive during the challenging teen years–and beyond. She is a contributor to the book The Parenting (r)Evolution: Changing the World by Changing How We Parent.
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